Algumas notas do diário
eu sinto falta de escrever
poesia
criar a nuance do sentimento na palavra
ir além do raso comigo mesmo
sentir a palavra como sinto o tato
como sinto o olhar, como sinto a voz
como ouço as percussões, as vozes
os melismas, as sobreposições
vomitar tudo o que é abstrato de mim
até sair concreto, de alguma forma
fazer sentido com tantos fios soltos
desgrenhados
quero torna-los um
quero a solidez de algo abstrato
o calor do sol que nunca pôde ser tocado
engolir o vento, colocar o som num pote
encapsular um momento e cada detalhe seu
Oier, tô no note, são 22h47 do dia 14 de junho (de 2023). Falta menos de uma semana pro meu aniversário e, segundo a função do Excel que fiz hoje na aula do Filipe, eu tenho 20,98 anos atualmente. Uns 7600 dias de vida, if I’m not mistaken. Ah, tô começando a ficar incomodado comigo misturando línguas porque tô esquecendo como se diz certas expressões em português. Such a weird problem, right? But I have it. Rosalía feels me, at least.
I want to write about my experience in general through this year and wrap up how I’m feeling on a text, because there’s so much going on recently, like, just in the last six months, so much stuff has happened and I feel the urge to write about it to process and share how my life has been so far lately, you know? However, everytime I try to, I get lazy or feel that I’m not getting to capture it as I want to. My perfectionism is screaming again, can you feel it?
I got to a point of my life where I’m exhausted with this trait of mine because it stops me every single time I try to do something officially. I hate the fact that it’s prolly going to live with me perpetually. Wish I could dissociate from this, although I know that it comes for good on a lot of situations. It really tires me. A great example of this is: I’m writing this with Google Tradutor on a tab aside, even though I study this language for, like, 13 years now?
Anyway, now’s playing Ghost in the Machine and it’s been so long since I last heard it. I’m putting it on repeat, cuz it’s definitely worth it. But I wanna say that these lyrics doesn’t make so much sense to me as it did in the start of the year. I really felt this song with all of my heart and I merged in this melody as if my life depended on it — sometimes, I felt like it really did. However, I’ve been really happy with my decisions so far. It feels like each year, I’ve been making more and more sense with myself, like, each will I’ve had in the past and left it on the sideline is something I’m bringing back and putting in the work, if it still makes sense.
Makes me glad to acknowledge how much I’m evolving and turning into a person that I would admire as a kid, you know? And as a teenager too. Ok, maybe there’s one detail or other that’s better off, yet, when in a panoramic view, I see that each step I’ve done in the last months and even years was important to get me where I am now. I don’t want this to sound cringe or shit, but just the fact that I could write like that without having a hard time is something that makes me really proud of myself.
The diary and each one of the days I wrote about and registered, each poem and text I’ve written and kept it on my notes or posted it on the internet, each video I’ve posted on YouTube or Instagram encapsulates a special moment in my life, and I want this text to do the same for me. Life’s been so wild with the college, my job, managing to see my friends, my piano classes and the other aspects that I care about, but, despite the things that I’m not managing as I wanted to, I feel really glad with how each aspect of my life that I’m putting time and energy into is growing and turning out in a beautiful way. Patience is really a virtue, I can affirm. There’s so much stuff that I wanted to throw away at some hard times, and still, I feel pleased to acknowledge I didn’t; I was able to make it work.
I think I’m going to sleep right now, but probably I’m going to post this on this week. Será se vem aí? Veremos. Agora preciso dormir, são 23h37 e tô com sono. Um beijo e um abraço (meu mesmo, não da Anitta).
(Irônico pensar que eu tenho preguiça de começar a escrever sobre o que sinto? Acho que não, afinal, dá pra contar nos dedos o quanto de pessoas que conheço que não estão fugindo de algo.)
Hey, wassup? It’s me again, as usual. Today is june 18th, I’m thinking in english again, and these days, I don’t know exactly why, but I’ve been acting like this is a problem. I mean, my english thinking overcoming my portuguese fluency as a native brazilian. I don’t think I should be this hard on myself, you know?
That’s probably why I woke up and felt like listening to this is me trying for the first times without skipping it. This song has such a strong message, how could I not value it before?
I’m sure I’ll act differently from now on, with regards to this song.
I’ve been wanting to write some more to the text I want to post on my birthday, and some thoughts that’s been circling me for a while is about how it feels like a lot of people in my life are going through some big moments recently and how this stuff could remark them for a lifetime in some way. Isn’t it abundant to imagine how a specific time or event in your life can be so remarkable? And the fact that we can acknowledge how measurable this can be, as well as we can let something pass and get by like any other daily memory is an attitude that can be trully intentional.
It gets me tripping when I’m caught up in these thoughts. It’s just so curious how can literally anything in the world turn into something important if you want it to. And the decisions each person does towards something they want turn them singular, different from everyone.
Makes me happy to think about it because I realize how our time is important, y’know? To use them with the people we love, with things that converge to our principles and values.
I just feel like I’ve got to this point in my life where I really get to reflect about the relevance of each element in my life: each task, event, tool, place, food, cloth, person – how everything affects me in some way and determine my being. To think of the meaning of all this stuff and how they impact me has made me turn into a determined person.
There are so many aspects of my past where I just went as the wind blows and, step by step, I started to make decisions more assertively to this point where I know which places I want to go, to thrive towards and I identify the means necessary to accomplish them.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all black or white; I’m still a gemini, so there’s some gray areas surrounding me now and then, some problems that I face oftenly, but as my birthday gets closer and closer, a recap with a point of view that highlights my wins is something that I’ll give myself credit.
My self sabotaging mode is telling me right now that I do this all the time and this text is just a copycat from the other ones I wrote, and he’s probably right in some sense, but I haven’t wrote one of these in quite some time, so let’s read it all again and see if my twentieth version has something to really showcase.
Faltam 9 minutos pro meu dia e eu tô reunindo as notas... Percebi que não estão lá muito bem costuradas. Isso provavelmente vai deixar o meu eu do futuro um pouco envergonhado, afinal, não existe ninguém que me julgue mais do que eu mesmo, e eu acho que é exatamente por isso que eu vou postar o texto dessa forma.
Crescer não tem um ponto final nem um laço bonito pra concluir tudo, muito menos alguém pra revisar seus textos a plena meia-noite. É hora de me validar desse jeito mesmo.
Ei, você que leu até o fim, obrigado, de coração!
Se gostou do que escrevi, você pode deixar de 1 a 50 palmas/claps, de acordo com o quanto você sentir que o texto merece de aplausos. (!)
☆
